When I first moved to New York, I lied to people about why I was here. They’d ask what brought me here, and I’d say sound design – which isn’t the biggest lie in the world, I do sound design, but that’s not my main driving force and that’s not why I’m here. Somehow it was less shameful for me to say that I was involved in theater in a technical capacity, rather than a performance role. I’m not sure where this comes from, this shame in pursuing the things I care about.
“It’s alright, it’s alright, it’s alright” -Esper-ism #387
It was about a month ago I began to own my identity as an artist. This has been a struggle for a while. The idea that there’s merit in doing what I’m doing, that this isn’t some joke or a hobby or something I’m pursuing on a lark. When people ask me what I do now, I respond (albeit sheepishly) “I’m an actor”. It’s hard to say that, to give voice to something and in doing so make it real. I haven’t fully come to terms with all this, but at least I’m not lying about it anymore.
Still can’t believe I live in New York. Every once in a while it hits me that I’m in New York pursuing an acting career, and while each time I’m incredibly humbled at how far I’ve come, I’m also daunted by how far I have yet to go. But I am on my way, and that’s something.
Esper has been nuts. I’m exactly where I need to be right now. There’s a lot of stuff buried inside me that’s been hindering me from reaching my potential. It’s not a lack of willingness, but a lack of direction. There’s been a shift since I’ve been here though, and suddenly it’s all coming up. Making insane progress. Meeting some amazing people. I’m mining a bunch of things my body and mind aren’t comfortable accessing, and in doing so chip away violently at the pockets of tension that have held me back.
A breakdown is a breakthrough. Falling apart and freeing up, surrendering to the discomfort and rising out of it, able to breathe.